Saturday, September 8, 2007
Talked to him last night and it wasn't fun. Apparently for the last 7 years I have been an absolute disappointment to him. He doesn't feel like he is a part of the family and I guess in my day to day routine of things I didn't include him as much as maybe I should have. He resents me and anything I do and I feel like this is the end. I don't see things working out. I am extremely sad and not sure what to do with my life or the kids or anythings else for that matter. I am a failure with no hopes or dreams and it finally came down to the fact that he doesn't want to be around that I think. He sat up for a long time after I went to bed last night and I'm not sure what he did. He went for a ride last night on the motorcycle and I feel like he did go see someone but he said he didn't. I don't know what to think anymore. My heart is broken and so is his. He told me last night that he wanted to postpone the wedding after he found out Matt died. My dad told him not to. That was probably a mistake. Maybe we should have waited longer. I don't know. His jobs have always had him in and out of the area and maybe I got used to that and I didn't get excited about him coming home the way he thought I should. Again I am a disappointment. I have wasted so much time in my life that I really don't think that it really matters what I do ever. I complain about not having anyone to talk to but in reality I don't really want to talk to anyone but him. I saw my friends at home with their husbands and I knew then that we weren't going to make it very much longer. I couldn't even get him to look at me this morning. He hides his cell phone from me. HELLO big clue that he is doing something else, huh. I think so. He didn't tell me last night what he wanted to do, but I am pretty sure that counseling is not in the future for us. It hurts us both and we know it is going to kill the kids. Not sure if he will stay for the kids or want to keep the kids or what. My life with him is pretty much over I think. I don't want that to end but like I told him last night I don't like change and never have. This would be a huge change. I hope we can work it out. We'll see.
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2 comments:
I don't usually comment on blog posts, but you sound so much like I did once upon a time, that I had to say something. PLEASE, don't allow yourself to take responsibility for HIS disappointment. Maybe there was more that you could have done, or said, or tried. I don't know the entire situation. But there is always something else that you could have tried/said/done. There are things that he could have tried/said/done, too. But his disappointment is his own responsibility. There is NOTHING that you could have done to make a difference in that.
Ten years ago I woke up one morning happily married, and discovered that afternoon it had all been an illusion. My husband (now ex-husband) used the same excuse of being disappointed in me. Until then, he had kept any hint of disappoint carefully to himself.I felt guilty, and a failure for many years until I finally learned that his disappointment was just an excuse for his own behavior.
Be open to the fact that you had a part in the situation (nothing is ever entirely one-sided, something else that took me years to realize). But don't allow yourself to become the entire cause and excuse (because again, nothing is ever entirely one-sided).
Stay strong and true to yourself. And for whatever comfort it may be, my prayers are with you.
I second Sandi's sentiment. It hurts and he's seeking support from the kids, because it appears he's become one again. I feel your pain, truly. Just try not to get too caught up in it.
And if you'd like to see somebody WORSE than your husband, check my blog entry
tothenines9.blogspot.com
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