grumble

Have you noticed that my posts are not getting cheerier? I have in fact I have noticed that they are getting worse. My life is crap. I asked him if I would ever be good enough for him? NO ANSWER. Shock. Every time we talk I feel worse than I did before then feel like a bigger slut. NO COMMENT. I have looked back on my life and realized just how unimportant my life has been. No one LISTENS to me. Oh yeah they hear me they just don't listen. I have been made to feel less than a person just because I am the oldest of two and that I wasn't worthy enough to have children much less hold them watch them or enjoy them. I was blessed in the fact that I was provided for and kept blissfully ignorant about my parents financial problems or any problems at that. I was an average student that expected things to just happen for me and for the most part they did. Don't get me wrong I did work for them just not that hard and I got what I worked for. I didn't finish college because at that time in my life I really didn't care that much. I did just not that much. I stayed in touch when I felt like it and some of my friendships suffered but not really. I dated and married the man that loved me for me and that was fine and now it isn't because I am not up to his standards. I am average and lousy at it too. I didn't have other prospects to marry because well I was "fat" and not up to anyone else's standard either. The guys everyone thought I would marry went other ways and hey I married a military fella and had him 3 kids. SMART HUH? His job takes him all over the world or at least to places that I am likely not to see now and well we are once again broke and who cares if we ever settle down and buy a place we can't seem to save any money anyway. I don't know if I would be better off without him or if me and the kids would make it. I know that I could get us through but emotionally we would suffer. He can't have the kids not because he couldn't take care of them but because of his job and all. He is stuck in a job he hates and has to travel with. Kids would go with me and then what? Live with my freakin parents like my cool brother? I am 33 and have 3 kids and in a 13 year relationship that has been summed up to this, I am a disappointment to my husband my children and my friends and family. What is the point?